you just can’t wait to be born little monoy. it would have been nice to welcome you on heart’s day. but it’s ok. you look after your dad anyway, something that really makes my day.  as i gaze upon your chinese eyes, my heart swells and i just can’t help  my smile.. you are every inch the barranco that you are. welcome to our world little monoy, great things are expected of you. you have given me so much joy.

It happened and it is something I am not proud of.  But because i need to let it out of my system to regain my much needed peace of mind, thus this entry.  I do not believe that I am an easy person to live with. Oh, I have my idiosyncrasies and well crazy moments and what do you know, my lucid intervals are not actually lucid! But I was brought up knowing that when there is something I have to say I have to speak my mind or forever hold my peace.  I just feel that I have mishandled a recent incident at home which cost me and hubby dear to be on our own again.  I have never been so affected because I have never been treated the way I was which resulted to me showing my best bitch act! Looking back, it was really amazing how my other half was able to keep his cool while I was on a roll.  It hurt my pride that we were made to appear like un feeling people,  uncaring as to the welfare of those that service us, when all that i ever think of was how can we fair to them.  Getting mad about a legitimate issue is not wrong, in fact, i have to get the message accross in a very strong manner to underscore a point.  But the next thing I knew we were pushed to make a choice, one that I was not happy about.. nope, none at all.

So right there and then, I blew my top bigtime.  I said all the things that I have been bottling up inside me for the past three months and boy, to say that they were stunned to death is an understatement.  Well, i know now that i said some things that i shouldn’t have but i can’t stop talking! all the thins i wanted to say just came rushing out.  I guess I may have over do it a bit, but i think i allowed it to happened becaue i cannot pretend that all is well any longer.

So there! I am not usually comfortable acknowledging that I am wrong about something about this ‘confession” is doing great things to my feelings now.   i feel a lot lighter though still guilty… i know i have wronged them and i am sorry for acting the way i did. Whew!

When the foundation is tested there are only two ways to do… to let go or to hold on.  Letting go and holding on is really a tough decision to call. But life is not made of easy choices.. always, the ones we make defines the person that is us.  When something new comes along, one cannot help but really enjoy the moment, then only when we are jolted to reality, we are forced to confront what is important to us.  The moment may have given us joy, but yet it is only for that moment.  Why is it that people refuses to just respect and accept the decisions others make?  Why can’t they understand that others also feel pain and that every decision is driven by the things that person believes in and values in life? Why is it that they expect us to just follow and never question? What is it with these people?

I asked a question and all i got was a series of riddles.  If there is anything that I can’t stand its not being upfrony with what is one’s problem is with me.  I hate it when people make me read between the lines when it is clear that they are pissed at me.  I never claimed perfection, i have always been grounded enough to realize and accept that I will commit mistakes along the way.  These past month has been really heavy, the burden seem to just come from all points.. there were those that professed freindship only to end up being really demanding and abuse you just like those that were ahead of them.  Ahhhh… maybe i will be able to find that someone who can truly understand me but surely not in this lifetime.  Everything is just so heavy… suddenly I am thrust into a sphere of things that has bothered me more than I expected.  I am struggling to get the focus that was lost but this is a see-saw event.  One day everything is ok.. at other times all that can go wrong, goes wrong.  Aahhh… I don’t know when did I start walking on egg shells..for it seems that there is always something that i will do wrong.. always something to lecture me about..always something to be mad at me about…I am now nearing the end of the line…when i try to be patient, i really am being tested.  I just want a break.. a break from all these suffocating alliances…. and be just on my own. 

If there is a night in my life that I will always remember, it would have to be April 20, 2007, truly a defining Friday night.  For months I struggle to find logic in everything that has been happening in my life. Then I stopped to think and decided to let my heart lead the way. Coupled with all the thinking that I did, then the decision process though not easy was also not very hard. 

My mouth started to speak the words that I refused to let go for these past months.  Words that has been like a foot stomping my heart everytime I remember my state of unhappiness.  The scene was very different from ones played before.. the degree of drama is still the same but there are no hysterics..just plain logical and mature conversation.  Call it experience, but after really sometime, you get to have it.  I have a handicap that very few knows about.. whenever truly hurt and sad, words refuses to come out of my mouth..this coming from someone who practically never stops talking!  But that’s the truth, so you can just imagine what I have been through.  I was able to say the words that needed to be said and I feel a whole lot better..Really!! I have never felt the sincerity of those words more than those precious minutes that night.  It seemed that the world suddenly became so illuminated and i saw the path that I have always known is there and that I have always taken.

When everything dawned to to me, I felt that if there is one decision that I made right in my life, this is it!  No frills, just plain and simple unadulterated sincere feelings.  And  I have known peace again.  

Today I take back the independence that I surrendered to you.

I reclaim the person that was before I met you, the one who knows what she wants and how she will get it. 

 I am my own and no else can dictate me.. I think by myself and no one can influence me.  I will embrace my pains with grace.  I will consider what is fair regardless of relations. 

I will uphold my dignity at all cost.  I will never again sacrifice my views, feelings in the name of  harmony. 

 I will maintain the calmness I have recently found.  Patience I will keep. 

I am my own.

The past Lent was probably the most meaningful I had since adulthood.  The opportunity to be alone and commune with myself and my God gave me a different perspective about my life, where I have been, where I am now and where I want to be.  I thank God for giving me the challenges that I am currently facing.  It has brought out the best in me so far.  I learned that there is more to life than loving another person, a major thing that I choose to forget. That more than anything else, it is very important that I get a grip on myself and re-learn the values that I was taught.. re-live my principles and keep a positive disposition.  There is nothing more powerful than acknowledging that there is a SOMEONE greater than us, a mind that is ultra-intelligent and  a hand that is always ready to comfort. 

My eyes were suddenly aware of how beautiful my life have been, I have met very wonderful people and they have each touched my life in a special way.  Always, I have looked only at those who have obviously loved me but never tried to venture beyond such security.  Now, looking beyond such boundaries, I found people that loves me and accepts me all the same, warts and all.  It is such a humbling experience to be assured of such friendship, that such a bond would be kept forever despite all that is to come.

I have once again found my voice… the strength of it I missed and the sense of direction it has brought me, I have tremendously taken for granted. Its just like finding myself allover again. I will never be perfect, thank God for that, but I will always strive to reach perfection in everything that I do.  I have been judged and ridiculed and looked down upon and even though I shrug my shoulders as if I don’t  care, truth is, I feel so bad inside.  But I have also realized that no matter what I do people around will find things to talk about me, goodor bad, it does not really matter to them.. They are are even aware of the degree of damaged they have already caused me, the pain I am enduring and the tears I am shedding. But all is fair, even if these things happen, I believe that in the end I will be a better person over them.  That in my silence the Spirits are healping me to see things that they don’t.  In struggling with my patience, Iknow that each silent battle is a gift from God. I am a work in progress, eveyrthing that is happening to me now will find its meaning when the right time comes.  In that wonderful time, I will be able to fully comprehend all these. 

I feel no bitterness inside me, I embrace with open arms all that is happening and continue to find that certain peace that has been elusive for a while.  Thank you for staying with me. 

Recently my sister got married.. it was a very happy occasion as the four of us were present.. a feat for my parents since we all started living our own lives in 2000.  The wedding reinfornced the ties that has binded me and my siblings all these time.  In our own way, we showed the little sister just how much she is valued by us. 

Next occassion was the baptism of Pia Simone, my niece. It coincided with the town fiesta, thus, the family had amini-reunion again.  It was full of laughter and food, a must in our gathering.  We bonded with old friends, that we haven’t seen for a long time. Relatives came in bundles and there were so many children all of a sudden.  I realized just how much the family of Mama and Papa has grown.

Mark and I then left for Manila, leaving my parents and siblings behind.  The newly weds moved into their new home, brother number 1 is busy being a doctor and brotehr number 2 had a swell time with his new baby.  I felt then that my Mom was really sad and ahppy at the same time… well, we have such a spacious home and with all the rooms emty and with the silence that was so deafening… I know that missing us will set-in soon. 

And today, brother number 2 is flying back to Qatar, where he works… leaving his precious little ones to be able to give them a better life… leaving his wife to tend to the children alone… leaving all of us that misses him tremendously even when he hasn’t boarded yet…my tears are streaming down my face as I write this.. my other brotehr just phoned in telling me that he understands why I feel the way I do… heck, I am not even their mother but why am I going thru all these anxiety attacks?…. I don’t want to blame my parents because i grew knowing my siblings love for me was, is and will always be unconditional.  We may not see each other often nor see eye to eye all the time… but the love that has glued us together is very strong. 

Iknow that we all deserve the blessings that we have received.  I am happy that my siblings are self-sufficient and that whenever needed, we can all pitch-in something to alleviate the family’s concerns.  Yesterday, they all professed just how much they love me… they called and texted me at different times but the messages are the same.  I miss them so much that I want to go home this very moment.  I miss my family so much!!!!! 

I just cant bottle my emotions up when my plane left for Manila from Iloilo last week…  I was there with my in-laws in tow to attend my sister’s wedding day.  It was a very meaningful and happy occasion for the whole family yet my tears refuses to dry up.  I am three years older than my sister, my only sister, the only person inthis earth who has the key to really make me hold my peace.  Growing with Ava was not easy, there were nights of endless wrestling bouts, brawling, hitting each other and really saying the very worst things to each other… I cannot fathom at that time why Papa insists on letting us use the same room despite the bruises in the morning… It was only when my sister started planning her wedding that everything dawned to me.   We share practically everything… growing up, we were made to realize that out family’s ties hinged on how well the both us can tighten the bond.  I guess we never really took it seriously until the plans started.  It was like getting married all over again, planning for the reception, looking for the best wedding gown, listing the entourage, looking for the motiff… all the works… it seem she cannot do it without my knowing her every step.  At the outside I may have looked irked and so troubled, but deep inside I feel so valued, so loved and so much like the older sister that I am.  I have always thought that Ava was so dependent on me, only torealize that my dependencies on her far outweighs whatever she may have with me.  In her I gather that strength in facing the most difficult of moments being away from all of them.  She manages to secure me despite my guilt feelings of being away.. she assures me that even though I will grow old childless, i will never be excluded in rearing up her children and that I can treat and rear them just like my own.  For someone who is wanting to have a child, this is the ultimate gift. Always, it seems that in the eyes of many, she is plain in comparison to me.. but in my eyes, I pale in comparison to her.  I have never seen a daughter as dutiful as she.. sacrificing her time for herself   to take care of our parents. Yes, she has her moods and she can be so fastidious (to quote my Mom) but she really is a girl with the biggest of heart.  I remember her not sharing her toys with me but whenever she sees that I am without any playmate, she enjoins me as if its the most natural thing in the whole world. She often feels being left out, but in truth, she is the insider in most of us, her quiet demeanor makes people comfortable just being around her, in turn she tends to know more than we do.  Seeing her walk down the aisle really knocked me off.. what abeautiful sight!! And yeah, she looks just like Mama… but even before she said her vows, I started missing her… I know that i told my brothers that we gained another brother but deep inside i  miss my sister so very much… a good friend told me its the tie that binds us and i just can’t help thanking Papa for all the effort… despite the unstoppable tears, Papa after all made the right decision.  

The last remaining hours og 2006 was a sad moment for our family… it marked the passing to a beloved member of our family, Tita Venus.  The moment I rceceived the news, i had mixed emotions. I was sad for my dear cousins Abette, Brian and Mimik, for they lost a Mom, but happy at the same time.  You see, Tita Venus has been suffering from cancer for almost ten years before she finally got her rest.  It was our family’s first encounter with the sickness and it sure did caused us so much worries and pains.  I remember Abette crying in the room of Lolo and Lola in Javellana, just days before Tita’s first operation… it broke my heart. The exact scene was repeated in 2002, when they were here in Manila for the radiation treatments… I was more mature then but the tears Abette had shed still impacted on me in the same manner it did before. 

Whenever someone we know die, we are forced to confront our own mortality.  Father Gaps said that we all shall die..una-unahan lang.  But what is it really to die?  Isn’t it that dying is a form of liberation? In Tita’s case, she was liberated from extreme pain and suffering… her family family was liberated from the burdens in sustaining the needed and expensive medications for her sickness.  Everyone should be happy right?   

For the past 33 years that I have known Tita Venus, she has always struck me as someone who knew what she wanted out of life.  She was ever supportive of Abette and has always embraced me into her family like their very own.  I love going to their home every summer and visiting my cousins.  It was a simple home with so many wonderful childhood memories for me and Tita made those memories more meaningful.  Granted that as the years went by we seemed to have talked to each other less and less, but I never once felt that didn’t care.  I remember that she was there preparing my college grad dinner in Javellana along with my Mabels, Inay Elena and Mommy Elms because my own mother cannot be home for the ocassion. 

The last coversation I had with her was very touching…though over the phone, the sincerity of her words has warmed my heart.  By then she cannot breathe well and has difficulty speaking but when Brian gave her the phone she said ” Inday, Merry Christams…. maayo man kamo da ni Mark?”  The lump in my throat will probably never disappear everytime my thoughts will stary to this moment.. she has shown me that the battle has been fought and that her strength does not lie in the physical anymore.  I encouraged her to enjoy the reunion and I told her that as always she is included in our nightly prayers.  Five days after, she died.

Babay Tita, maayo gid nga pag-puli sa aton Amay sa langit.  Bal-an ko upod mo si Lolo Rox and Lola Mi and si Nanay mo da subong… Please give them my regards… indi ka mag worry about kay Inday Abette, ako bahala… basta kaya ko, i’ll make sure that she is ok.  Kiss mo ko kay Jesus ,Tits ha?  Si Tito Nems, te bululigan namon nga atendiron sya ah… pahuway ka na ta.. you are in far better place than the rest of us.  Go on, go towards Jesus and stay by His side… I haven’t told you this ever, but I hope you know that I love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you for all the memories. 

May you rest in so much peace.  So long, till we meet again.